“She shouldn’t say that! He shouldn’t act that way. They shouldn’t do that!” It took me finding the Candeo program and starting the work of real recovery that found me peeling the onion in the attempt to discover what I was really all about, and what made me tick. I came here to stop a pornography and masturbation habit, but I’ve gained so much more. Let me explain.
One way the Candeo program has helped me is that I am less prone to anger. Anger was a huge trigger for many of my other undesirable behaviors. In a podcast on anger I listened to, I realized that one of the biggest contributors to my addictive behaviors was that I was angry all the time. But the discovery came when I realized WHY I was getting so upset. The podcast explained that it was because I had a “rule book in my head,” where all the rules I think everybody else should follow, resided. I discovered that I had actually created this rulebook over my lifetime. It was a huge book that identified what people “Should” do in all of life’s varied circumstances. Simply stated: if people didn’t follow my rules of life, I got ticked off!
In my journaling work, I remember beginning to look at some of the rules I had created. “People shouldn’t drive slow in the fast lane of traffic.” I’d had that one written in my head since the time I got my driver’s license, many years ago. How could I tell if it was a rule? Easy! I began to list out recent episodes of anger or frustration, and realized that for me, each time it happened, it was because somebody broke my rules, and did something they shouldn’t have done, or didn’t do something they should’ve done (at least according to My rule book in my head).
A month ago, the delivery guy left my package at the neighbors without me knowing. I didn’t get the package for 3 days. THEY SHOULDN’T HAVE DONE THAT. I got mad, and took the time out of my schedule to call them (which I SHOULDN’T have to do), and tried tracking it down. The customer service was terrible (Nobody SHOULD treat their customers that way). I got pretty worked up over this.
I came home to a nice dinner my wife had prepared for me, after a long day. What she didn’t know was that I had an emergency I had to take care of online. I couldn’t take the time to eat at that moment. I tried to explain, but she was hurt and disappointed. (If it really meant that much to her, SHE SHOULD’VE CALLED ME TO LET ME KNOW!) Now, I felt guilt and shame over the whole thing. These feelings are huge red flags for me in trying to avoid my unwanted sexual behaviors.
If I could catch myself getting angry or frustrated over something, I began to ask myself, “What rule is that person breaking?” I would write it down, and then restate the demand of what they “should” do to a “wish” or a “hope.” I restated the rule, only now with the words “wish” substituted for “should.” Instead of “My wife SHOULD be doing this or that,” I changed it to “I WISH, I PREFER, I HOPE she would do this or that.” Can you see how this might diffuse or diminish my anger? It’s a lot easier to get mad when somebody doesn’t act the way we think they SHOULD, as opposed to when somebody doesn’t act the way we WISH they would.
I began to test out this little theory and it worked. “I WISH people wouldn’t drive slow in the fast lane, but I know some will.” Hey, that wasn’t too bad. “I HOPE my package arrives on time, but I realize people make mistakes. Nobody’s perfect.” My anger levels are dramatically reduced. I’ve applied this, now, in hundreds of situations. It works!
What I’ve learned is that by using the Candeo tools, I can learn to identify situations where I struggle, and overcome them. By becoming aware of some of my major “shoulds,” and other rules I’ve created for the entire world to live by, I can learn to make adjustments. I can choose to be happier and more contented in my life. This whole process was a huge eye opener for me. But to learn how to convert my rulebook of “shoulds” into “wishes,” and “hopes” and how, by so doing, I was able to immediately begin diffusing my anger, was nothing short of a miracle. Using the Face-it, Replace-it, and Connect techniques to disable my anger and frustration circuitry was something I never expected from my Candeo experience. I have become clean from my unwanted behaviors, and better still, have become a better husband, father, and businessman. Unbelievable!
